On being a mother

I was sitting alone, holding a 4001 slip, giving myself a mental pat on the back for arriving first at the Klinik Ibu & Kanak-Kanak. I decided to get my antenatal check-up at a government clinic near to my housing area. Well, if any of you have been to a government clinic before, you could picture yourself the congested narrow waiting halls, sounds of babies wailing, and nurses attending to patients right under your nose. And oh! The pungent smell of medicine poking your nostril. Then, after a while, “4002” arrived, in the form of a tired looking Malay lady, dressed in a sleeveless long dress with batik motifs whilst her beefy shoulder was covered in a tight white t-shirt worn inside her dress. I offered a smile and greeted her with a monotonous “hi”. It’s 8.00 a.m in the morning and I rarely am my chirpy self until say, the next three hours. She on the other hand, was in her element of chirpiness straight away. She complained about the traffic. I nodded my head absent mindedly. She told me about her teething eldest daughter. I nodded my head again. Wait! Did she say “teething” in the same sentence with “eldest daughter”?

“How old is your eldest daughter?” I know it took me another few hours to be in my investigative mood but I just need to know, now.

“11 months” She answered back. I gave a nod and returned to my former self. She on the other hand, felt the need to prolong the conversation.

“My hubby, he wants a son and told me, `ayang, lepas pantang, kita bikin satu lagi ye, mana tau, dapat anak lelaki`, so, you know, as a wife, I can’t say “no” to him,”

“Of course, you can”, I shouted in my mind. I gave a polite smile while my brain formulated 1001 questions; what’s wrong with having a baby girl? Why jump into Baby No.2 so soon? Why can’t you just say NO and let him live with that? Social stigma or maybe cultural manifestation of women as a “machine” to mass produce?

I shook my head in a lame attempt to make me more alert. It seemed as for today, I need to work on my mental prowess a bit earlier. Oh no.

“Kalau tak dapat anak lelaki... katalah tup-tup akak dapat anak perempuan jugak,” I hoped she didn’t say “then, we try again,” But tough luck, Gee. She said just that. Her calm submission to the fact was rather creepy. But I proceeded to listen to her story, neutrally. As a new found friend: she was 4002 and I was 4001.

The fierce looking nurse called my name, waving a long syringe in my direction. Needle time. So, I said “later” to her and walked off.

When I was done with my session, I walked out and saw her still sitting at the same spot, perhaps waiting for further check-up. She looked very tired, a bit haggard for a lady of his age. She looked like she didn’t get enough sleep last night. I wondered whether she had to wake up all by herself, each time her baby cried at night while her husband, grumbled something like “go and have a look at our baby…I need rest for work, tomorrow” and continued to snore albeit the loud wailing. Man, I wondered.

I waved at her and told her that I was done. She just frowned and complained that the nurses were damn slow and she needed to get back home quickly to check on her daughter. She stood up, almost wobbling on her swollen feet, and walked rather slowly towards the nurse at the counter. I wondered with her second child, potentially waking her up at night and requiring extra attention from her, how will she ever find the time and strength to attend to her daughter’s needs? I remember her telling me, she had to quit her job and concentrate on her daughter plus the soon-to-arrive baby. I need not ask if money is a problem because she was quick to add that money is an issue but she cannot cope with her job while taking care of her children at the same time. I also don’t remember her mentioning her husband in the conversation at all except on the point where her husband is adamant that they should proceed with their next addition/edition to the family soon after her confinement ended. What happen to “susah senang kita bersama”; the overrated mantra couples recite during courting days when the moon and stars were their reluctant witnesses?

I had encountered similar story as an undergrad i.e. as a curious student trying to understand women‘s issues regarding reproductive rights for my Gender and Law assignment. My attitude at that time was scholarly and my approach to the issue was more theoretical than anything else. The difference now is that, I am listening to such story as a woman and a mother myself. It obviously impacted on me in a different way compared to my campus years.

I saw Union Guy arrived at the lobby and knew it was time to head home. In the car, I asked him this question, out of curiosity,

“When do you think we should have the second baby…or you know, if we ever want another one?” Union Guy joked with me, once that he was looking forward to at least 8 children. He gave me a weird look plus that infamous frown of his and held my hand.

“I think let’s just focus on one first and see how it goes, okay?” I put my head on his shoulder and sighed in relief.

Here’s another story about being a mother, but with a little twist.